If I could go back in time and never meet him, I would. If I could change everything about us, I would.
My biggest regret is meeting him. I have done a lot of bad things but if I could change one, it would be falling in love with him.
I have never hurt so much. No amount of abuse I have gone through growing up from my parents, no amount of unhappiness that comes with suffering from a mental disorder (eating disorder), no amount of loneliness i have felt in my life, the fact I can never make a friend for long or ever be in a relationship, hurts as much as loving him does.
I am madly in love with a man who is madly in love with me, but he never visits.
I have met my soulmate, who lives too far away and will never meet me.
I am doomed to settle into a painful long distance relationship where I crave to facetime with him and he hardly does that anymore... or I am doomed to settle with some other man who will never be as good as the one I have.
Tonight I lose my man to the club, the ladies of a sexy town, the intoxication of whiskey... Tonight I sleep, drowned it 24 hours of tears and pain weakened body, next to my psychology textbook (which only reminds me more of how crazy I am).
Tonight, I hope I sleep and never wake up. Because I have felt so much pain in my life, everyday is a battle. I have scars and bruises from beatings... I can take this all, but I can't take the pain from the man I love.
I simply cannot go on.
As a 18 year-old virgin with a boyfriend who she has not physically yet met... I feel a bit hesistant in going on with the relationship because I wonder if its real without the physical component.
To help me realize the reality of it, my 25 year old experienced (very experienced) boyfriend tells me what he is going to "do" to me. VERY VERY VERY SEXUAL. OF course it gets me incredibly excited and phone sex keeps me happy... so whats bothering me? The pressure.
Like I said, VERY EXPERIENCED. He constantly reminds me of how good he is and that worries me because all i think about is: how do you know you're so good? I can't ask him that because I know the answer: the other girls I've been with tell me so.
Fuck. I hate thinking about him pleasuring other women. Women he met in a bar or through a friend... girls he has dated briefly, telling him how much they love his "stuff". Gives me disgusting shivers and goosebumps.
The pressure is that he is good in bed, he tells me this and he has proof of this. He knows he is good. I have no clue HOW i am in bed... I'm a virgin for goodness sakes! What if I am not good enough for him?
Here is another thing: He is perfect. He as 3% body fat yet has normal weight for his tall height. He has a great toned and well cut body. Mine is thin, at 90 pounds I am very thin. I work out all the time but still have 22% body fat. I absolutely DESPISE the way I look although others may think I look great.
I hate it. I hate my body and adore his. He says I look great but i know that if he saw it, he would think low of it. I know it. So much pressure to look perfect for my SERGEANT boyfriend. So much pressure to be amazing in bed and pressure to look beautiful. It was easier when I was single. Sometimes he ask me, when I seem distant, if I want to see him, I don't know how to tell him that I don't want him to see me.
I feel so pressured right now, I am far from happy.
For the sake of his privacy and security, I am changing my boyfriend's name.
My darling long-distance southern boyfriend, Charlie, will visit me for the first time very soon (I hope, fingers crossed). We have been together for more than half a year now, which I must say is too long without seeing ever before.
A little background history: yes, we met online. Thank goodness with technology, I see him every night via Facetime (thanks Steve Jobbs for facetime!) . I hear his voice, I know his jobs and his friends, I know his background history and his parents. I know him well and he knows me too.
Safe to say, we are two lovers who have not yet physically met. But that will change very soon I hope.
Now I am a nice young woman, who has had many offers for dates and relationships with men here. My age and a lot older. Of course, I prefer older (early-mid twenties). Regardless of age, race or geographic location, I have never met someone that was compatible with me. That I could talk to for hours and never get bored. Believe me I have liked guys, lots of them, but the second they start to notice me or like me back... I flea the scene like I committed a crime. And I am sure many can relate to me.
Charlie is as close to perfect as someone can get for me. Attractive, tall, muscular yet thin, kind and nice, honest and intraverted... he hates almost all girls except for super down to earth ones. Guess that makes me down to earth>?
Now the problem is timing, you may laugh but this has me stressed. He can only come at the end of january... why is this a problem? Because well, the end of the month is MY time... understand?
Yes, Charlie and I have plans, we are going to do stuff.. and well my timing is ruining it. So I'd love advice.
Previous PostsIts Better to Have Never Loved at All than to have Loved and Lost, posted January 26th, 2013
Too Much Pressure, posted December 21st, 2012
The Problem with Timing, posted December 19th, 2012, 2 comments
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